I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
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My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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