Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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