And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
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She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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