so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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