Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
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If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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