i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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