I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
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I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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