he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
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All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize