Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize