I think my fart just growled at me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it's like iHOP with fire
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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