I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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