I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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