last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
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You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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