For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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