Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
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Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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