How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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