Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize