Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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