i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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