I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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