i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
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Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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