god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The power of my boobs compel you
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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