you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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