watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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