Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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