Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I will be naked everywhere
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I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize