the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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