Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
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We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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