checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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