the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
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just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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