While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
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Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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