you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dignity is for republicans.
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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