shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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