TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
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I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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