I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
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Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I party with great urgency now.
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