Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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