Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
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I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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