do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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