Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
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wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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You are the jesus of drinking
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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