last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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