I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
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It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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