just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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