I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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