his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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