i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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