Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You pole danced in your parka.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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