in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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