i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
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Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Everyone says I win the strip club
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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