cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
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i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
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Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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