I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize